The Abuser’s Toolbox: Love Bombing
Abusers are master manipulators. They know how to manipulate people and situations in such a way that they appear innocent. In fact, they can even turn the tables on their victims and make it appear as if they’re the ones who’ve been abused. In this short series of blog posts, I want to examine some of the tools abusers use to achieve their goals. This is with the aim of helping you recognize these tools when they’re being employed. Knowledge is power.
Here are the previous posts in this series, in case you missed them:
Today, to conclude this series, let’s learn about love bombing. The best way to understand this technique is with a story. Imagine a single woman.[i] She gets asked out. From the start the man showers her with lavish gifts and affection. He’s over the top with his compliments. He insists on paying for everything, even if she says that she’d like to pay her share. He bombards her with text messages throughout the day with expressions of his love for her. The man insists that he needs to know where she is at all times because he loves her so much and doesn’t want anything bad to happen to her. He tries to isolate her from her “toxic” family and friends because, as he puts it, they don’t and can’t love her the way he does. With his “affection” he convinces her to confide in him about her weaknesses – knowledge which he can later weaponize against her.
As the relationship proceeds, she begins to see more of his true colours. He becomes more overtly abusive, verbally, physically, and sexually. After each episode of abuse, he comes with an expensive gift and an apology. Sometimes he even has tears – “Look at everything I’ve done for you. You can’t leave me now.” He starts all over again with the compliments and kindness…until the next abusive episode when the cycle starts all over again.
Love bombing is an emotionally manipulative tactic used to snare someone into an abusive relationship and then keep them there. It is considered a form of emotional abuse, often employed by narcissists. If you think about it, the term makes sense: the one employing it “bombs” the other with what he thinks is love, but what actually results from his “love” is destruction. True love doesn’t destroy.
At the heart of love bombing is a narcissistic desire for power. It’s about controlling the other person’s emotions. The abuser wants to be loved and he thinks he can force it. The abuser wants to be trusted and depended upon and he thinks with just a lot of elbow grease, he can get what he wants. When he thinks he has what he wants, he is not going to let go of it that easily.
An additional advantage to love bombing is the shine it seems to put on the abuser in the eyes of others. He gets to be seen as charming and effusive in his affection. The narcissistic abuser wants people to think, “He loves her so much, just look at the way he treats her! He’d never do her wrong.” Flowers on her desk at work or in her kitchen show others that he really cares about her. No one will suspect more sinister behaviours. This will make it more difficult for her to find support if she chooses to disclose the abuse or leave the abusive relationship.
It shouldn’t surprise you to learn that the term “love bombing” originates with the activity of religious cults. Some cults will love bomb potential recruits. They emotionally manipulate them to pull them into their circle of control. Once they’re there, they’re trapped and it’s next to impossible to leave. Cults and abusers have one thing in common: they’re both concerned about power.
The love described in the Bible couldn’t be more different. Biblical love is about servanthood rather than mastery, kindness rather than control, and respect rather than manipulation. The cross is where we see true love. It’s a place of weakness. It’s a place of sacrifice, devoted to the true well-being of the other. On the other hand, the “love” in love bombing is a self-centered fraud. Now I hope you can see it too (if you didn’t already).
For more on love bombing, its signs, and what to do if you’re being love bombed, see this helpful article by Heather Jones.
[i] Please note that while women can also be abusers, statistics show that men are more likely to be abusers (and men are also less likely to be killed when victims of abuse).
