The Abuser’s Toolbox:  Gaslighting

29 October 2024 by Wes Bredenhof

Abusers are master manipulators.  They know how to manipulate people and situations in such a way that they appear innocent.  In fact, they can even turn the tables on their victims and make it appear as if they’re the ones who’ve been abused.  In this short series of blog posts, I want to examine some of the tools abusers use to achieve their goals.  This is with the aim of helping you recognize these tools when they’re being employed.

Today let’s learn about gaslighting.  The term comes from a 1944 film, Gaslight, about a young couple who marry after a whirlwind romance.  The husband psychologically manipulates his wife into thinking she’s lost her mind.  Further, he convinces others she is high-strung and mentally ill.  She is not to be trusted and she can’t trust herself.  He aims to have her placed in a mental hospital.

Here’s how Darby Strickland describes gaslighting in her book Is It Abuse?

Gaslighting someone means using insidious techniques to make that person doubt their perceptions, memory, and even sanity.  It occurs when a husband attempts to convince his wife that her feelings, beliefs, thoughts and opinions are invalid, inaccurate, or untrue.  This is usually a gradual process – but one that intensifies over time. (p.185)      

Please note that while women can also be abusers, statistics show that men are more likely to be abusers (and men are also less likely to be killed when victims of abuse) — hence Strickland refers to the husband and I will refer to abusers as ‘he’ as well.

Gaslighting often takes place in one of two ways.  It can be directed straight at the woman as part of the overall abusive behaviour.  As an example, imagine a husband stealing from his wife, but when questioned about it he claims she has been careless or forgetful.  Or if she claims he was violent towards her, he may claim she was drunk, had a nightmare, or is just being dramatic.  Whatever the case, she imagined or exaggerated it and it wasn’t real.   

Gaslighting can also be directed to others. The man may use gaslighting as part of his defensive strategy.  Gaslighting can be used to discredit the woman and anything negative she may say about him.  This is often done with reference to mental health issues.  “She has borderline personality disorder – you can’t take her seriously.”  “Don’t listen to her, she’s schizophrenic.”  “She makes up stuff all the time – that’s just her bipolar disorder.”  Because there is a lingering stigma attached to mental illness, this tool is often effective.  I have seen it used rather cunningly with church office bearers.  Ironically, the very practice of gaslighting can result in actual mental health issues or exacerbate them, especially anxiety, depression or post-traumatic stress. 

Darby Strickland describes some of the common gaslighting tactics used against victims of abuse:

  • Withholding – pretending not to understand what a victim says or refusing to listen to her
  • Countering – questioning the victim’s memory of events
  • Diverting – challenging the victim’s thought process or repeatedly changing the subject
  • Trivializing – minimizing a victim’s needs or feelings
  • Love-bombing – showering a victim with compliments, affection, and intimacy in order to learn her insecurities and innermost desires so that they can later be exploited for the purpose of tearing her down
  • Denying – pretending to have forgotten things that have happened or refusing to remember things that the victim says (Is It Abuse?, p.185)  

This is not an exhaustive list.  Gaslighting can take different forms, but it always involves tearing down the other psychologically to serve one’s own advantage.  It is a form of power projection and as such works towards belittling the victim. 

This behaviour is unbecoming for anyone created in the image of God, but even more so for those who claim to be Christians.  One can’t imagine our Lord Jesus gaslighting his disciples, or anyone else for that matter.  His behaviour, as revealed in the Bible, is to be the paradigm for ours.  Gaslighting involves gross evil.  It is deceptive and destructive, serving the cause of wickedness.  It’s something to be hated and resisted. 

If you want to learn more about gaslighting and what to do about it if you’re experiencing it, check out this article by Leslie Vernick.

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Postscript: my post was shared on Facebook by an American organization, Haven of Mercy. A commenter (Jessica Van Dyke) made the following helpful comment — I share it with her permission:

Unfortunately, it’s hard to detect in the moment that these tactics are being used. This is especially true when you were interacting with someone that you either love or desire to trust. Some red flags are that you leave a conversation completely bewildered and wondering why you felt so unable to defend or explain yourself.

It’s helpful to unpack what just happened by writing out everything that you heard. If this is someone that you are either forced to interact with or desire to further engage with you could ask them if what you heard was what they meant to say. Another recommendation would be to refuse to interact with this person without a witness in the future.