The Abuser’s Toolbox: Flying Monkeys
Abusers are master manipulators. They know how to manipulate people and situations in such a way that they appear innocent. In fact, they can even turn the tables on their victims and make it appear as if they’re the ones who’ve been abused. In this short series of blog posts, I want to examine some of the tools abusers use to achieve their goals. This is with the aim of helping you recognize these tools when they’re being employed.
Today let’s learn about flying monkeys. It’s a strange term and the meaning isn’t immediately obvious. It originates with the old Wizard of Oz film. Rather than attack Dorothy and her friends directly, the Wicked Witch of the East sent flying monkeys after them. Flying monkeys are proxies, fill-ins for the abuser. He may not be able to harass or even speak to his victim, but he can still get to her and make her life miserable through his flying monkeys (N.B.: while women can also be abusers, statistics show that men are more likely to be abusers — hence, I will use “he” for the abuser and “she” for the victim).
Flying monkeys are a favourite tool of narcissistic abusers. They use them to maintain control – they may not be able to have direct contact with their victim, but the flying monkeys are like extendable tools. They use them to shield themselves from accountability, creating distance from direct confrontation. Narcissistic abusers use flying monkeys to create a certain perception of themselves (positive) and their victim (negative) in their shared social network. As noted on this website, “By enlisting others to spread misinformation, the narcissist molds a narrative that aligns with their agenda, further tarnishing the victim’s reputation.”
An abuser’s best flying monkeys are family and friends. Particularly, if he can turn his victim’s family and friends into flying monkeys, he’s hit the abuse jackpot. If he can isolate her from those supposed to be her closest supporters, this feeds his ego even more, as well as his sense of self-righteousness. However, in Christian circles, if an abuser can also turn members of his victim’s church into flying monkeys, especially her church leaders, this is the trifecta. With a coordinated campaign of lies and misinformation, he can make it impossible for her to attend any church, adding a new dimension of spiritual abuse to the situation.
Flying monkeys are sometimes unwitting accomplices of abusers. They themselves have been deceived and manipulated by the charms of the abuser. Sadly, it does also happen that flying monkeys are actually aware of the true nature of the situation. Perhaps they themselves are abusive, or perhaps they just have an intense dislike or hatred for the abuse victim. Either way, they’re quite willing to cooperate with the abuser to make her life impossible. It should also be mentioned that flying monkeys may also side with the abuser out of fear. They may be afraid that their own reputation is at risk from the abuser if they stand up to him. This frequently happens and illustrates the control on which an abuser thrives.
How can you tell an abuser is trying to manipulate you into being one of his flying monkeys? There are some red flags. One is being overly invested in proving innocence — talking to as many people as possible to get them on his side. A person who is truly innocent of allegations of abuse should be confident of their vindication, either in this life or the next. They shouldn’t have to engage in a smear campaign of their accuser.
Though it’s not limited to this, one of the things an abuser wants his flying monkeys to do is gossip and slander. However, if someone is a Christian, the suggestion or even implication that we should spread negative reports about others should be anathema. As God’s Word teaches us in Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
It can be difficult to recognize if we’ve been manipulated by an abuser. It takes humility to admit we were fooled by his charms and taken in by his agenda. But I want to end on a note of grace. Whether we were duped or served as knowing henchmen, these too are sins that can be forgiven by God. When there is repentance and faith in Christ, his blood is sufficient to cover you if you’ve ever taken the role of a flying monkey. With his Holy Spirit, you can grow in grace and knowledge so you don’t get manipulated again.
