How to Speak Comfort to a Suffering Friend
When a friend or loved one is suffering, it can be challenging to say the right words. We want to have words that help rather than hurt. The example of Job’s three friends in Scripture shows us how easy it is to do the latter and how hard the former. Thankfully, Scripture also teaches how we can be truly wise and helpful friends to those who are hurting.
First, a wise and helpful friend listens to those who are suffering. Take your time and let them share their pain. Let them voice their questions. Think of your Saviour and how he is revealed in the Bible. As a compassionate and sympathetic High Priest (Heb. 4:14-16), he really listens to believers who are suffering. He genuinely listens to the prayers of Christians with interest and sincerity. If we’re united to Christ, that’s how we should aspire to be, pray to be, and strive to be.
A wise and helpful friend also doesn’t make assumptions and jump to conclusions about the one who is suffering and why they might be suffering. Instead, we keep an open mind until we’ve heard everything. Moreover, we use what’s called the judgment of charity. If we love someone, we’re charitable and don’t right away think the worst of them. As the Holy Spirit says in 1 Cor. 13:7, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” As our Lord Jesus taught us in Matt. 7:12, we do unto others as we would want done unto us. We’d want people to approach us charitably, so let’s do the same with others.
Third, a wise and helpful friend wants to reflect the humility of our Lord Jesus. The Son of God humbled himself by taking on a human nature. The King of kings humbled himself even to death on a cross. His humility is to be the pattern for our lives and for how we interact with one another. With his Spirit living in us, we’ll not be thinking of ourselves more highly than we should, but the opposite (Rom. 12:3). One implication of that is that we would never claim to know the mind of God concerning a friend (or anyone) who’s suffering. Yes, there are certain things you can know about the mind of God because he’s revealed them in the Bible. You can know the promises he extends to his believing children who are suffering – that it’s in his sovereign control and that it’ll all work out for our good (Rom. 8:28). You can know the hope God gives to his suffering children – that there’s a day coming when every tear will be wiped from our eyes and we’ll have relief from all our earthly cares and sorrows (Rev. 21:4). But we should never claim to know the mind of God to tell a believer who is suffering what God’s evaluation is of them as an individual. We should never claim to know what God is meaning to teach them through their suffering, whether that’s to repent of some sin, or whatever else. We just don’t know. We have to be humble about that and remain humble.
Finally, a wise and helpful friend not only strives to have knowledge of spiritual things, but also wants to apply that knowledge judiciously to concrete situations. That’s real wisdom. Knowledge is relatively easy. Many Christians know what the faith teaches. But how do you apply that when a friend is suffering? That takes real wisdom. In the book of Job, there was Zophar. He told Job in 11:6, “Know then that God exacts of you less than your guilt deserves.” That’s a biblical truth which ought to be brought up at the right time and in the right way – perhaps in an evangelistic context. But when someone’s lying in a hospital bed suffering from cancer, that’s not the time to say, “Know then that God exact of you less than your guilt deserves.” Rather, that’s the time for saying things like what it says in Psa. 34:18, “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Or 1 Pet. 5:7, Cast “all your anxieties on him because he cares for you.” Our Lord Jesus always knew the right words to say at the right moment – he knew how to deftly apply his knowledge of God’s Word. With his Holy Spirit living in us and uniting us to him, we can and will do likewise.
More than anything else, we need wisdom to be helpful comforters to our suffering friends and loved ones. We don’t have wisdom in ourselves, but thankfully God directly tells us how to get it. He says in James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” So, ask God for this wisdom. Pray to him to him to give you the wisdom to comfort effectively which you see perfectly in Christ. Pray for God to fill you with the Spirit of wisdom so you can bless and encourage others. And it will be given you.
