Sex Before Marriage: Ideal vs. Reality?
Many moons ago, it wasn’t unheard of for young couples in the church to have their pre-marital sexual activity exposed by an unplanned pregnancy. These days it is virtually unheard of. Perhaps this signifies the victory of purity culture in our churches. If you believe that then, like George Strait, I’ve got some ocean-front property in Arizona you might be interested in. Let’s not be naïve. The truth is that measures are being taken to prevent these embarrassing situations.
I sometimes wonder if the pendulum has swung in the completely opposite direction of so-called purity culture in the church. While it had the right idea of sexual purity before marriage, undoubtedly there were legalistic excesses (e.g. no holding hands). Martin Luther once compared our relationship to these sorts of issues to a drunk man riding a horse. He rides a little way and falls off to the legalistic side. He staggers back into the saddle, rides a little further, and then falls off to the antinomian side. Antinomian means being against the law, living without thought to God’s law. Our goal should be to sober up and sit straight in the saddle of God’s ways as thankful and obedient Christians.
That is a huge challenge in a highly sexualized culture. In our world it’s taken for granted that two people in a romantic relationship are going to be soon in bed together. The widespread viewing and use of porn hasn’t helped. The temptation for young people in the church is to think that the message of the church about sexual purity is a nice ideal to have, but it’s not realistic in today’s world. When you get into a relationship – and it doesn’t matter whether the other person is from the church – the expectation is going to be there that sex happens. Sadly, that expectation may even be held by parents. “You can’t be idealistic,” they might reason, “the reality is that young people are going to do it.”
We’re not the first Christians to live in a highly sexualized culture. In fact, many of the first New Testament Christians lived in exactly that kind of culture. Over and over again the apostles warn against sexual immorality. They had to do that because the draw was so strong. It was normal behaviour in the world around them. So, to direct God’s people in the right way, Paul told the Roman Christians, “Let us walk properly as in the daytime…not in sexual immorality and sensuality…” (Rom.13:13). He told the Ephesian Christians, “But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.”
The question then is: were these commands unrealistic ideals the Holy Spirit was holding out? Are they just nice ideas that no one can actually follow? The truth is that Christians, filled with the Holy Spirit and relying on his strength, have the ability to follow these commands. The Holy Spirit gives a Christian the ability to say no to sexual immorality and yes to God’s ways of purity and holiness. If we should in weakness fail to do what is right, the Holy Spirit also then drives us on our knees to repentance. We hate that sin, we ask God to forgive us through Christ, and we desire to fight against it. We don’t keep going back to it day after day after day.
Those who do that jeopardize the right to consider themselves to be Christians. Even if you’re a professing member of the church and you choose to live in sexual sin, your status as a Christian has a big question mark behind it. After all, Scripture says in 1 Cor.6:9 that the sexually immoral will not inherit the kingdom of God. To be clear, among other things this means that those who unrepentantly have sex before marriage aren’t going to be saved. That’s a serious warning.
Let’s also be aware of the deceitfulness of our flesh. We can be quite adept at rationalizing our sins. Let me be blunt. Someone might argue that because they aren’t having intercourse, they’re not having sex before marriage. In that way of thinking, activities like oral sex or sexual touching don’t count. However, the Greek word for ‘sexual immorality’ (porneia) in the New Testament covers everything sexual.
Young people who are serious about their Christian commitment ought to communicate that clearly to anyone with whom they get in a relationship. Make it clear from the start that you’re committed to sexual purity as a follower of Christ. One of the best ways to maintain that commitment is regularly to pray together as a couple. Together you can also pray and ask God for the help of his Spirit to do the right thing in terms of the physical side of your relationship.
If you have failed in this area, God’s grace in Jesus Christ is enough to cover your sin when you turn from it and confess it to him. This isn’t the unforgivable sin. Moreover, with the help of the Holy Spirit, you can still do the right thing going forward from here.
Lest anyone think otherwise, the Bible is sex-positive. It celebrates and affirms sexuality – in its proper context of marriage between one man and one woman. That’s the place God in his goodness and wisdom has placed it. When we take this good gift and put it in a different context, we may have some pleasure from it for a while, but ultimately we ruin it. It’s far better to take God seriously and save sex for marriage. This is difficult, I know, but it is worth the effort.
